what an awful day

was to get my wee brother off his school bus today, he's autistic..
 he like totally ran away from me and when i grabbed him he wouldn't come back to the house. i ended up clutching on to him for dear life and somehow managed to persuade him to walk to my mums work with me, and to make matters worse i had left the front door wide open. he wasn't doing it out of badness - he wanted to go to the shop to get a dvd and once he has something in his head, he's determined to get it. it was actually so hard to try and push him back to the house - he's like twice my weight. i'm in absoloute shock. anything could of happened to him. feel like i'm going to throw up. i hate what autism does to my brother. i fucking hate it. it's not even as if i could have told him we'd go to the shop later, he can't communicate.
and yet tomorrow, nobody will have a clue what happened and what happens on a regular basis, and i'll sit and have to listen to people moan about how shitty their life is 'cos someone doesn't like them back or something.
i try and talk to my friends about autism and how it makes me feel but i guess it's such a misunderstood condition, nobody really gets it.
 it's fucking horrible not even being able to ask how his wee day was.

fuck school

the thought of school tomorrow makes me physically sick. i hate everything about it! it's so monotonous.
i feel like a nobody in school, because everyones the same. you don't get a personality; it's actually soul destroying.
everyone there is so moronic and don't have a clue about the world. and when i say something 'weird' they're like what? and proceed to carry on talking about reality television.
the way teachers speak to you is vile. it's like you're a subhuman or something. they don't have the right so speak to you like that, surely?
and the one way system? it's complete nonsense.
also it's completely overcrowded - first years are eating their lunch in the corridors! you couldn't even make it up.
it's like you're born, you go to school, you get a job, you get a house and you die. how terrible does that sound?
the school should be teaching us about the world and real life and trying to get us to excell at doing something different. but no, all they care about is league tables.

it's a saturday night and i'm feeling sorry for myself, ok?

i want to be able to tell you that i like you.
i want to hold your hand.
i want to kiss you.
i want to do boring things with you.
i want to play music with you.
i want to go a walk with you.
i want to sit on a mountain with you.
i want to go a really long drive late at night with you.
i want to curl up on the couch and watch movies with you.
i want to wear your shirts.
i want to take pictures together.
i want to take you to dinner.
i want to get lost with you.
i want to get lost in your eyes.
i want to make you laugh.
i want to wake up next to you.
i want to miss you knowing you miss me too.
i want to sit up till 3am on the phone with you.
i want to go camping with you.
i want to play with your hair.
i want to get my hands tangled in your hands.
i want to tell you how amazing you are.
i want to tell you how much i love you.
i want to watch the stars with you.
i want to keep you warm.
i want to have deep conversations long into the night with you.
i want to write songs with you.
i want to see the world with you.
i love you.

so gutting that you weren't there today.
i think i might be in love or something.
but yeah i want to spend my life with you - i want to see the world with you.

i really want to hold your hand or something.

feel weird writing this but i'm in such a bad mood. i'm never in these kind of moods. i'm usually a pretty happy person. but right now i feel weird. i feel weird and awkward. i think it's maybe because i've been out since 1 oclock today. i've had constant interaction with people. i don't know if i'm just a weirdo or this is common, but talking to people and socialising for that amount of time really tires me out.. and puts me in weird moods. i feel like a total idiot when i talk to people. i feel really stupid and i think that what i'm saying is complete nonsense. also it's really shitty when there's someone there that you really like and you're trying to get the right balance of talking to them and not talking to them.. cos you don't want to seem desperate. but then you want them to know you're interested. it's different with this person. it's not proper flirting.. i don't think? i'm so confused with everything right now. i feel like people aren't taking me seriously. that's me my own person. i'm not going to get any more 'mature'. sure, i'll gain more life experiences and meet more people and learn new things but i feel like i'm ready for the world now and it's annoying when people call me a 'young person' - it feels almost degrading and patronizing as if they're superior. thing is they're only a couple of years older.. it doesn't mean anything. it would be different if i was like 14. but yeah i'm pissed off. feel like people don't know what i'm about or what i can do. they just see me as this quiet, slightly awkward 'young person'. but yeah i feel so terrible writing this because i'm never like this. i'm just so confused about life just now. i want to be able to tell the person i like that i like them.. but i can't and that is the most frustrating thing in the whole entire universe ever. i don't even know what i just wrote. fuck life